Humourous

(This post is old, I removed it but Ive decided to bring it back)

Do you want to whoop your foes into the nearest hospital? Grow muscles the size of giant bricks? Have so much self confidence that attackers feel lasers shooting from your eyes. Even make your muggers give you money! Well search no more. The secrets of Nun-violence have been revealed. Yes you read that right. I am a professional nun, and I will teach you how to develop "talons of terror". But first hear my story. I was born 2 centuries ago in a small village in Russia, doctors said I wouldnt live because I was missing both my heart and lungs! But luckily through secret communist deep breathing exercises and studying the movements of snowflakes I developed into a superhuman stud so powerful I was banned from the olympics. From then on I devoted my life to scouring the globe for the ultimate martial art! Believe me Ive trained with Shaolin monks, American Cowboys, Vikings, Indian wrestlers, and Australian bushmen but it wasnt until I forgot everything and learned the secrets of Nun-violence was I able to blow the doors off of the competition and send tidal waves through the world of martial arts.
My course will incinerate the flab off your body, grow you muscles faster than steroid users, pump hormone enriched blood into your brain, give you laserlike concentration, and make your stomach so powerful you could eat nails for breakfast!

Heres the scoop, and be careful cause it aint no vanilla ice Cream

!) The first DVD comes with Ancient exercises to teach you the art of ripping the hair off of your opponents head. What is more humiliating than ripping all the hair off your attackers head when he or she tries to injure you? This technique is so ancient it spawned the development of the hat. All religions have some type of headress to defend themselves from these beyond brutal moves of mayhem.
2) Marketing techniques used by all types of tough men from U.S. car salesmen to Filafel dealers in Middle Eastern Bazaars. These techniques are so powerful that any mugger will think he is getting a deal by taking your car when instead youll be making money!!
3)Get out of any Hostage situation by learning the lost song lyrics. These songs are so annoying that they are banned in some countries. They are so bad they were banned from TV shows like Barney the Dinosaur and Lamb chops.
4)Short exercise programs that take less thana nanosecond to complete and are so mindblowingly effective that observers have fainted.
This is just a miniscule taste of the huge feast offered in these pearl-like priceless, life saving, brain-busting, eye popping, heavy breathing inducing DVD's.

And wait theres more, Order in the next 3.58 seconds and get special bonuses valued more than GNP of Bolivia.
Special Bonus 1) Beating Bald people and other assorted people with physical disabilities
Special Bonus 2) Yoiuve heard of the phrase keep your friends close but your enemies closer, but noones ever heard of this new diet Donald McDonald(Brother of Ronald) has given in aspecial interview which reveals all the diet tips you can use to breakdown the health of closest of your enemies. Turning the best of athletes into the flabbiest out of shape floating balls of fat.
(Mexican Deaht Grip) Visualization exercises that trick your subconscious into believing your opponents head is a pinata and your hands are rabid chiuahas.

Dont delay another second your life depends on it. WE live in a world where people dissapear everyday and criminals walk the street flaunting ttheir defiance in front of the law. Aliens abduct people everyday. The police cant be everywhere at once so take matter into your own hands and order...NUN-Violence. Have the power of your own fate, be master of your own armada and break the shackles that hold you down.

Nun-Violence-$995,995.37

Your fellow nun,
LD